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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Am I one of the few?

A few years back, I had this recurring dream. It was pretty strange. My room was filled with a brilliant light and I felt like I was levitating above my bed. But the strangest part was that I felt as if I was awake and watching this happening to me. It was a very disquieting dream to say the least. If I had this dream once or twice, it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal. But this happened eight or nine times in a two week period. It was kinda freaking me out.

But it was about to get much even more bizarre. I was teaching a Introduction to Operating Systems at the only public traded University in the United States. Class ended at 10:00 PM and to kill time on the hour long drive home, I turned on the radio. Since I cannot stand commercial radio and there wasn’t anything good on NPR, I found myself listening to Art Bell. In case you haven’t ever listened to late night talk radio, Mr. Bell has a pretty entertaining radio talk show. That is if you enjoy laughing at people that claim to have had close encounters of the third kind. Which, from time to time, I do.

Anyway, the topic of the evening was alien abduction. The first person started describing the recurring dream or what seemed to be a dream when the nights she was abducted by aliens. You read that right – the nights she was abducted by aliens. Guess what, she was describing my dream to a tee. At first, I thought it was strange. But then I was shaken to the core as caller after caller validated that they had the same dream the nights they were abducted.

As a rolled down the road, I became to question reality or what seemed to be reality. Was it possible that I had been a guest on a silvery metallic spaceship? The guest of little green men from a distant galaxy? Did they perform weird experiments on me? Am I one of the so-called freaks that I have laughed at over the years?

Rushing home, more like driving at unbelievable speeds putting myself and the other hapless saps driving on the highway at 10:30 at night. Give me a break, I had just found out that I was the victim of some seriously sick and very intrusive medical experiments. Bursting through the door, I ordered my wife upstairs to search for any evidence that I had a permanent anal probe planted deep inside my body by these highly advanced, but extremely vile mutant dwarfs.

Needless to say, it took a little coaxing to get her to comply with my deranged request. After her in depth examination turned up nothing, I began to relax. I haven’t thought about this dream for some time. Other than that hour of panic, I never really believed that I was abducted by aliens. Sometimes a dream is just a dream and sometimes a story is just a story.


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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Email to Neil - Number 2

Quick note: If you like comics, check this guy out. I really like his strip:

KCity

Now for my evening's post.

Just thought I'd share the second email I sent to Neil Young. After seeing him on the Corbert Report a week or so ago, I wanted to send him an email. Tonight, I finally got around to it. I was torn between sending a bizarre, yet interesting email and playing it straight. Turns out, the decision was made for me. It seems someone has been messing with my weirdness quotient because I just don't seem to have it in me. Try as I might, I simply could not be weird. What the hell is happening to me? Am I turning normal? Has writing actually provided me the theraputic benefits I claim it does when my wife gives me the "Oh, God you're writing again" look?

Please tell me it's not true. Please tell me I am still as weird as I use to be. Please, I simply cannot accept living a normal life. I was very comfortable with my weirdness and I miss it deeply. Please help me bring it back by leaving the most bizarre, odd, strange, and/or weird comment you can come up with. I'm begging you. I NEED weirdness in my life. It's all I know. It's all I am.

Enough groveling. Here's the email.

Cobert Report

Hey Neil,

Caught your appearence on the Cobert Report (so I am a little late). Just wanted to let you know, I thought it was excellent. I really enjoyed listening to your words and I thought you hit the mark with what you were saying. I really wish at least one Bush would listen to you.

I caught your 1991 tour in Denver just after Persian Gulf I started and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed the version of "Blowin' in the Wind". Maybe someday we will get it - war is never the best choice.

I do have one question for you - was Cobert really playing the guitar?

Peace,

Rebeleyeball


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Monday, August 28, 2006

Is there a point

Even though I don't often talk about politics on this blog, I am very interested, active and some what vocal in advancing political causes that I believe are vital to improving the health of government. Couple this with my penchant (a real word, look it up) for playing Blog Tycoon on Blog Explosion and you can probably guess that I run across a few blogs that espouse political views that are diametrically to my own beliefs. Most of the time, I patiently wait for the mandatory thirty seconds, click the correct number and move on to something more interesting. On occasion, I read something so utterly riduculous that I am obiliged, no - forced, into leaving a comment. I simply cannot hold back.

The other day, I happened upon this blowhard that seems to think his version of history is correct despite VOLUMES of documentation that he is completely off base. Since I am a trained political scientist and somewhat of a history buff (okay - you got me - I'm a history geek), I felt the compelling urge to set this guy straight. I left a fairly strongly worded, but respectfull, comment on his blog. His response? He starts by attacking me personally, telling me I am an idiot and throwing in several assumptions about issues not related to his original post or to my response. Once again, I (not so) respectfully informed him that he was a complete moron, a pretentious ignoramus and a bully.

When I returned to see his response, I was greeted with a diatribe questioning everything from my heritage to my intelligence. Additionally, he boasted that people like me were so afraid of the truth in the form of "Frank's Fury" that we retreat away in silence never to be heard from again.

Now all of you are completely attuned to my kind demeanor, razor sharp wit and my slightly above average intelligence. Appartently, his ideology prevented him from seeing how correct I was and to accept the gift of enlightenment I presented to him through my eloquent prose. When I logged in to chastize him for his illogical, irrational arguments and unkindly remarks, I was shocked to find that he was blocking my comments. Can you believe that crap? He tells the world that he has presented me with the indisputable truth with such passion that I retreated, quivering with embarrassment and the jerk doesn't even give me a chance to respond. Typical.

Now for the quiz. This pus pocket (no offense to pus pockets intended) has his wing of the over-simplified black/white division of the American political spectrum it the title of his blog. Which one is it - "right" or "left". Point made.


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Sunday, August 27, 2006

Crossroads

Here I am, blogging my guts out for anyone that cares to take three minutes out of their life to pop by and read my informative and always entertaining posts. It is a great hobby and I really enjoy it. And let's face it, the blogoshere has been a much more enjoyable place since I began blogging back in January. As much as I hate to admit it, it's not a one way street. In fact, it has opened a whole new world for me. During the time I have been blogging, I have met several fantastic human beings that share the love of this crazy electronic escapist past-time.

But as the title of this blog suggests, I am trying to be the next great novelist. Over time, I became conviced that as the most gifted blogger to ever grace this medium, I have as much talent as most of the current "published" writers. Additionally, I am fairly certain that I have a best-seller type book in me. I know it.

So what's the big deal? The issue I am facing is that I can't decide what type of blog I want to have. Do I want to continue doing the same things I am doing, connecting with people or do I want to use my blog as an advertising platform to gain notice from a wider readership? Should I become a link whore, willing to link to any deluded sucker that is willing link back to me? Do I want to focus on establishing my repution as a blogger's blogger?

So many questions, no real answers. Some of you may relate to my dilema, others of you may wonder what all the hub-bub is all about, others may read this posts as just sniveling little whine, and can't recognize the brillance of this post and quit reading it after the first paragraph. Like I give a rat's ass. To me it's a way to think through my approach to this blog. So, comment as you like. Not that it's likely to make a big difference in what I decide to do. But what else do you have to do? Yeah, I'm a bit cranky. Did I mention - my toe hurts.


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Friday, August 25, 2006

My toe hurts

Let me tell you, getting old sucks, The big toe on my right foot has been under attack this whole week. More and more frequently, my primary digit on my large foot is subject to swelling and dull, aching pain. Although I have never been diagnosed, I am pretty sure that it is the first signs of arthritis. All my joints are getting creaking, but my big toe is killing me.

That's right, I said my large foot. One of my freakish physical attributes is that my right foot is a full size larger than my left foot. For most of my life, I have never been willing to shell out money for two pairs of shoes to compensated for this oddity. The result of being such a cheap bastard my short foot would slide around in my shoe. One of the reasons I am so weird may be that I spent the first forty years literally tripping through life. Thank {insert diety of your choice or n/a for atheists} for Nordstorms. A little over two years ago, I found out that they will sell you two different size shoes for the same price as a matched pair. It's so odd to be balanced.

So how is any of this even slightly interesting. Well, it isn't. What the hell? I know how much you enjoy reading my normally riveting posts. Since this isn't one of them, I promise, I'll make it up to you next time. Now shut up, quit bitching, click on "Next Blog" and leave me the hell alone. My toe hurts.


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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Have I got a deal for you

If you simply can't wait for the published version of The Break and you need to read more my wonderful prose, may I suggest that you take advantage of this incredible offer?

Buy Now

I am pleased to announce the Pre-Labor Day Sale of Web Site. I am out of my mind and I have slashed the price by 25% - 25%!!!!!. That's it, I must be crazy. This is the best deal you will ever see on lulu.com. Web Site is regularly priced at $19.95. But because the heat and the smoke from the wild fires are affecting my brain, I'm going to let you have it for $14.95. That's right, for less than the price of two tickets to the next predictable piece of crap to come out of Hollywood, you can have your very own copy of Web Site. The most original book you will read this year. How can I sell it so cheap? Volume, volume, volume or Location, location, location (you choose).

Buy Now


So come on: Act Now! Don't Delay! Don't hesitate! Supplies are limited (to as many as you want to order). Get Web Site right now. Additionally, you will receive hours of enjoyment as you read and reread this novel destined to become a classic. Tell your friends, wake the kids this sale won’t last forever (or maybe it will). Think about how cool it will be when this novel is turned into a movie starring Johnny Depp as Billy, Alex Baldwin as Ed , Lindsay Lohan as Arlene, and a bunch of other actors you never heard of in the other roles. You could be the one gloating to your friends about how you read the book from an aspiring author when it was self-published. Just Do It. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll get angry. But you will not be bored.

Buy Now


Not only that, I vow that I will personally autograph each copy of Web Site sold during this sale (as long as you remember to bring the book with you when you meet me). This book is not just a purchase. It could be viewed as an investment. It is surely to become an cherished heirloom likely to increase in value over time (assuming you find a sucker on eBay that will buy anything).

Buy Now


This cheesy, semi-funny, annoying commercial announcement was brought to you by Paul Gavin aka rebeleyeball, soon-to-be famous writer, philosopher and philanthropist. Some of the statements in this offer have been exaggerated beyond belief and should not be taken at face value. Past performance is no indication of future value. Offer ends when I feel like ending it. All rights reserved. This book may not be copied or rebroadcast in any media with out the express written consent of the author and the NFL. Item 67641 is available on the showroom floor.

Buy Now


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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Name that tune

A quick quiz for you. See if you can figure out what song that contains these words. "Delusions of granduer, visions of splendor, this manic depressive who walks in the rain."

From the very first time I heard this song in 1977, I knew it was about me. Yeah, I know. But give me a minute, would ya? This song was on one of the first albums, actual vinyl, that I ever bought. At the tender age of fourteen, I had never heard the phrase "delusions of granduer" and I had no idea what a manic depressive was. Come on, cut me some slack. In the seventies, mental illness was still considered a character flaw and no one talked about, let alone advertised the treatments for the disorder on television.

On many occasions, I have written about the effect that art has had on me. Whether it's painting, sculpture, writing or music, the stuff I like most are the things that seem as if they were created with me in mind. As if the artist was creating just for me. This song is one of the pieces that fits in with that. For some reason, the song moved me. It was beyond the music, which I happen to think was fantastic, it was that one particular line which spoke directly to me.

As I look back, it seems like I have always been like "the manic depressive that walks in the rain" to one degree or another. For example, in my mind, I have already spent all the money that I am going to win in the lottery (see The Winners). I have seen "the visions of splendor" of how I will live when that day comes. Then when it doesn't happen, I, literally and/or figuratively, find myself walking in the rain.

I am not writing this for sympathy. In fact, it is very comforting knowing that some one else shares these same feelings. Additionally, I am a generally happy person since I have come to understand my "moods". There is absolutely nothing better than understanding your flaws and being comfortable in your own skin. So really, don't feel sorry for me. Another line in the song the band gives some excellent gives the advice "hang on to your plans. Try as they might, they cannot steal your dreams." Plus, if I wasn't me, you would be deprived of the sheer joy you experience when reading all my immensely entertaining stories.


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Monday, August 21, 2006

Enjoy Chapter 43

Please, take you time. Revel in all of its brilliance. Savor each tasty morsel of reading pleasure. Do not take Chapter 43 for granted. Why you ask? For one and only one reason, Chapter 43, will be the last you will see of The Break until I finish and publish it.

That’s right, the blogging of the book is over. Now, it’s time to get to what I find to be the most difficult part of writing – the rewrite. It’s time for me to sit down and read what I have written and fix it. That means I need to go through and re-write to the bulky parts, check punctuation and grammar, check for continuity and reorganize the chapters into the proper order.

This is necessary because I don’t do this as I go along. Although, I had a general outline of The Break and I knew what the story was, I had no idea of how it would play out until I actually wrote it. I know this seems strange to many writers, but that’s the way I write. I like to find out exactly what is going to happen as it happens. It’s like reading a book, but making it do what you want it to do as you are reading it. That is the joy I get from writing. I find it very stimulating and relaxing at the same time. It’s quite a feeling.

Here’s the good part, for me anyway. Since I am not finished yet, I can’t wait to see how it ends. I hope you feel the same way. My plan is to keep this blog going and when I am finished with the re-write, I will start blogging my next project called “Not Much, Just My Life”. In fact, next week I may give you a little taste of the new project to see how you like it.


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Sunday, August 20, 2006

The Break - Chapter 43

Chapter 43

After freshening up, Big Ron walked out of the hotel and got in a waiting taxi.

“Pepsi Center.” He said to the driver.

Schneider’s behavior had been bothering him for the last few days. Since he was concerned, he had been watching him more closely. It seemed that Schneider paid a great deal of attention to the baggage compartment. If fact, it was more like a compulsion. Big Ron was going to find out what was so intriguing about the baggage compartment.

The taxi dropped him off at the stage entrance. Big Ron went straight to the bus. Since he had been helping Schneider unload the bus, he knew how to open to the cargo bay. When he opened the first door, he saw that the compartment was mostly empty. He was about to close the door when he noticed two small yellow bags.

As he picked them up, he wondered what they could be. All the times he helped Schneider, he had never seen them. They felt like they were made of vinyl. By the feel of them and the rubberized string wrapped around them, he suspected that they were waterproof. Turning the bag over, he saw Arabic writing that he didn’t understand. But the explosive symbol was very recognizable.

Big Ron felt his knees grow weak when he remember the two words Schneider said to him during that bizarre exchange last night.

“Pepsi Center.” He said out loud.

Instantly Big Ron ran into the building. There was less than two hours before the show and he had to find out was Schneider was up to. He didn’t know for a fact what Schneider was capable of doing. But he didn’t like the thoughts that were racing through his mind. As he made his way into the building, he decided it would be best to avoid Schneider if he could. Once inside, he looked around and saw the roadies busily working. There was no sign off Schneider.

After fifteen minutes of searching, Big Ron finally got sight of Schneider. He was exiting a door on the Club Level. Instinctively, he knew had to see what was in that room. Big Ron decided to give him a minute or two before ascending the stairs.

After assuring himself that Schneider wouldn’t see him, Big Ron made his way through the tangled maze of seats and barriers. Moving slowly so as to avoid attracting attention to himself, it took him almost ten minutes to get to the room. Trying the door, he found it was locked. He had been afraid of that. It wasn’t like he could break the door down.

Seeing a fire extinguisher on the wall, Ron got an idea. He pulled it off the wall and walked back to the door and slammed the base on the door knob. The metallic clang was so loud, he froze in place. He waited for what seemed to be an eternity for a security guard to come running. When Big Ron didn’t hear any alarms or see anyone coming, he decided to go back to work. This time he decided to be a little smarted about it. He stripped his shirt off and doubled it over the base of the bright red cylinder. Once again he slammed it down on the door knob. It was still loud, but he thought it was muffled enough to go unheard above the work of the roadies. He began to beat on the knob in earnest. It took several minute, but finally the knob broke off and fell to the ground.

He pushed on the door, but it didn’t open.

“That’s just great.” He thought. “I go through that and the fucking door still won’t open. Shit only happens in the movies.”

Somewhat discouraged, he began to examine the broken door. He saw that he might be able to disassemble the rest of the mechanism. Stuffing his large fingers in the knob hole, he began to push on the internal portion. It gave, but not much. Determined to see what was on the other side of the door, he continued working. It was slow going, it took him almost a forty-five minutes to finally clear the door knob. But once he did, the door swung open.

Just as he shut the door, he heard people milling around in the hallway. Big Ron guessed that the doors had opened. He knew he didn’t have much time. Frantically looking around, he saw that he wasn’t in a luxury box as he expected. It seemed to be some type of utility room. Suddenly, he saw it. Not that he knew what a bomb looked like, but it was definitely some type of sinister looking device.

Overcoming his flight reaction, he went over and stood in front of it not really knowing what to do. He stood surveying the situation. All he could focus on was the red wire and the black wire. He knew the wires were the key, but falling back on his deep experience about bombs delivered over years of watching Hollywood action movies, he thought that the bomber could have booby-trapped the device in some way.

“Damn, that’s it! I am just cutting the red one.” He said out loud.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Schneider said sternly. “Cause then I gotta kill you and re-splice it.

“What are you doing here?” Ron asked taken completely by surprise. “Where the fuck did you come from?”

“I’m a fuckin’ professional, man.” Schneider continued. “You don’t think I wouldn’t check out my work, do ya? This is going off with out a hitch and you certainly aren’t stopping me, you obnoxious fuck.”

“Really?” Ron said as he stood up and puffed out his chest. “Well, I’m cutting the wire and then I’m going to kick your ass. What do you think about that?”

“We’ll you are a big man, but there is this one thing see. I have this guy on my side.”

Instinctively, Big Ron dove to the side just as the shots rang out. Even though Big Ron was well covered by a cement pillar, Schneider kept firing. Big Ron tried counting the shots. He knew he counted at least ten when there was a pause. He heard Schneider release the magazine and he knew it was time. He sprung to his feet and was on Schneider. Although Schneider was well trained, Ron was big and the surprise and ferocity of the attack completely took him off guard. Within thirty seconds, Big Ron beat him into submission, disarmed him and pinned him to the ground.

“Harrison, man.” Schneider said weakly. “What are you doing? It’s me Schneider.”

“Me?” Big Ron replied. “What am I doing? What the fuck?”

“Where are we, man?” Schneider asked.

Ronnie realized that Schneider had no idea what was happening.

“Schneider, you planted a bomb.”

“Huh?” Schneider asked. “A bomb … oh shit. It’s the Evil, man. The Evil.”

“Who the hell is the Evil?” Big Ron asked.

“Ian Geggar.” Schneider responded. “The guy’s name is Ian Geggar and his is the Evil.”

“Ian Geggar?” Big Ron said.

Then another thought tore through his brain.

“Schneider, when is this going to go off?” He said in a panicked tone. “Can we stop it?”

“Too late.” Schneider responded.

The explosion burst his ear drums and actually lifted the two men off the ground and slammed them into the wall. The impact knocked Big Ron out instantly. Although stunned, Schneider was still aware of his surroundings. Sitting up, he looked around and could not believe his eyes. The devastation was unmentionable.

It didn’t take long for the horror to take root. Schneider was suddenly aware that he was responsible for all the carnage that assaulted his eyes. Looking around the room, he saw the Glock laying on the floor. He picked it up and quickly slammed home a new clip. Without a thought, he walked back and pointed the weapon at Big Ron’s head. Just as he began to apply pressure to the trigger, his mind completely cleared. For what seemed to be the first time since high school, he was no longer Schneider.

In that instant, it all came flooding back. High school, Vietnam, the horrors of torture, the days of living as a hermit and the Evil were instantly crystal clear.

“Ian Geggar” He said out loud.

As soon as the name passed his lips, Frank Johnson was reborn. The Frank Johnson that played on a state championship football team, the Frank Johnson that joined the Marine Corps to fight for his country, the Frank Johnson that stubbornly protected the lives of the newcomers in Vietnam was alive. Yes, he was alive, but he was not well. This time when he scanned the devastation, he saw the wreckage he had reaped. Instantaneously, he knew what he had to do.

He stuck the Glock in his belt, reached down and lifted the unconscious man over his shoulder. Walking quickly, he thought about all the years he had lost and why. Intense hatred boiled up inside him. Ian Geggar had turned him into a monster and manipulated him into carrying out this unspeakable crime.

When he made it out of the building, he gently laid Big Ron on the ground. Reaching behind his back, he pulled the Glock out of his belt and placed it in Big Ron’s right hand. Then he sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, he watched as Big Ron recovered consciousness and awkwardly regained his feet. He waited until Big Ron appeared to be all right.

“Harrison.” He said.

“Schneider?” Big Ron asked as he turned to see the perpetrator standing in front of him.

“No, Schneider died in there.” He replied. “At least I hope he did. No, I am Frank Johnson.”

“Frank Johnson?” Big Ron asked. “I know that’s your real name, but what …”

“I don’t know if I can explain it.” Frank attempted. “But for the first time since I went to Vietnam, I am absolutely sure of who I am. At least for now.”

“Huh?” Was all Big Ron could say.

Frank paused for a moment to formulate what he was going to say.

“Look.” He said directly. “This CIA spook turned me into a killer. Actually, a weapon that could be used by the government when they needed me. I was given this mission and I responded like the brain-washed freak I am. Just like I was programmed to do.

All Big Ron could do was to blink rapidly. His mouth agape, he stood there staring trying to absorb what Schneider … Frank … whoever … was trying to tell him.

“The Evil.” Frank said lowly.

“The Evil?” Big Ron repeated in the form of a question.

“Yeah, his name is Ian Geggar.” Schneider explained. “He is the Evil.”

“Ian … uh … Greggar.” Ron tried to repeat the name.”

“Geggar, Ian Geggar.” Frank retorted a little testily.

Feeling he was running out of time. Frank began to feel the frustration. He had to get Ron to understand.

“Look, Geggar is responsible for this.” Frank said. “But no one is going to believe me. I’m a nut case. It’s gotta be you, man.”

“Huh?” Big Ron responded, not quite getting what Frank was telling him.

“You have got to get them to believe you.” Frank tried desperately to get his point across. “Come on, Harrison. Catch up, would ya? You have to understand me. No one will believe this. It sounds like a really bad conspiracy theory. So, you have to get the cops, the FBI, the CIA or someone to believe you. It’s up to you.”

Through the fog, Big Ron began to understand what this man formerly known as Schneider was trying to say.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Big Ron agreed, signaling that he was following the conversation.

“And you can’t do it if I am around.” Frank said solemnly. “So you gotta use that.”

Schneider pointed at the weapon in Big Ron’s hand.

“What the …” Big Ron said.

“You know what I am saying.” Frank continued. “You have to. Look, no one will believe you if I am here to be the fall guy. Second, I have no idea how long Frank is here for. In five minutes, I could be Schneider again or worse.”

Big Ron understood and began nodding his head in agreement.

“I get it, but I don’t think I can.” Big Ron confessed. “I hardly even shot a gun, let alone killed anyone.”

“You really have no idea how much I hate to ask you to do this, but you have to do it.” Frank begged. “Please Harrison, for me.”

Then Big Ron saw the pain in the man’s eyes. In a way, he empathized with the poor guy. How awful it must be to have no idea who you were or how long you would be that person. Additionally, he had a good point about getting the police to believe him. But the though of killing him was not sitting well with Big Ron.

“Harrison, we’re running out of time.” Frank said. “Come on, man. I know how hard it is to kill some one. I have never gotten over the first guy I wasted. But you can do it. Come on, do it. I am not afraid to die. Do it, Harrison. Do it.

Big Ron weighed his options and knew what he had to do. He leveled the weapon at Frank Johnson’s chest.

“I hope Hell isn’t as bad as they say it is.” Frank said honestly.

“I’m really sorry that you gotta die.” Ron said matter-of-factly.

“I know.” The Frank replied flatly.

Feeling the kick from the weapon, Big Ron kept firing until Frank fell dead at his feet.






<<< Chapter 42




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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Weird feelings

Doesn't it drive you nuts when you have a recurring thought that you know logically is absolutely ridiculus, but you can't do anything to stop it. No matter what you do the thought keeps coming back. It's like your irrational emotional side reaches out and gives your logical side a little titty-twister.

Let me give you an example of what I am talking about. I absolutely hate when people are taller than me, especially women. It just every time I see someone six feet or taller, the familiar thought flashes through my mind - I see you there with all your extra height, you smug, undeserving freak of nature.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I get all worked up about it. And no, I am not a heighist. I have plenty of friends that happen to be tall. I know their height is not their fault. They were just born that way. If they were shorter than me, they would be the same person. Besides, you shouldn't just judge someone because of their stature.

To tell the truth, I think one of the reasons I am an Anglophile is because when I lived there I felt HUGE. Brits seem to be much shorter than Americans. As luck would have it, I had three people on my team that were freakishly tall. But I managed to deal with it. In fact, they turned out to be the three people I got along with the best.

See this is a prime example that if you think things through logically, you can overcome your irrational, emotional reactions. Also, if you are taller than me, have a heart and sit down when you see me coming.


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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Traffic, traffic, traffic

Maybe you have noticed, it's been quite a while since I bitched about traffic. Well, there is a reason for it and it isn't that pesky little troll Cheesemo. No, I haven't been bitching because you have been coming in greater numbers, more often and staying longer.

It's quite obvious that you all now see what I have been telling you from the start. I am one entertaining mother f*&%er. That's right, I am awesome. You all know it because you all read it - including you Lettermen, Stern, Olbermann and Cuban. Once I emailed you guys with one of my intensely entertaining emails, you were hooked. Admit it. Show yourselves to my readers. Leave a comment inviting me on your show and/or blog. If you do, I guarantee, my appearence anywhere is absolutely certain to bump your audience by at least 12. That's right, I said it and I stick to it - I'll bring at least one full dozen new people to your audience. Not only that, they'll stick for at least three days.

Try it. Come on what are you waiting for? I'm calling you out. That's right, quit lurking and start commenting. We all know you have nothing better to do with your time.


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Monday, August 14, 2006

Family ties

Tonight's posting was inspired by Patrick Irelan's post What's Wrong with Contemporary Fiction. It's a good read, you may want to check it out.

The post got me thinking about the art of story-telling. You may have guessed that I love telling stories and I have a million of them. Most of them are my own, but I have been known to borrow some from other people. Some of the most coloful stories come from my siblings. And to answer your question, my family is Catholic and if you haven't figured out from my last name, we are as Irish as they come.

Being the youngest of nine kids, I was obiliged to do a great deal of listening. If you don't believe me, try hanging out with a bunch of drunken Micks and see if you can get a word in edge-wise, especially when you are one of "the little kids". That being said, I have got to tell you that it is absolutely amazing to sit down with my five brothers and just let loose. Word of warning - lock the liquer cabinet. Because if we hit the hard stuff, there's going to be a fight - guaranteed. And that's just my sisters. Beer is fine, but the old saying is that God invented whiskey to keep the Irish down.

Let me tell you about a little ditty I was a part of one particular holiday evening sometime in the late eighties. The scene was a middle-class home nestled in a sleepy little town in western Pennsylvania. Enter several quasi-adults in their twenties and thirties. This crowd, that would put the Tuesday night audience at the Comedy Works to shame, consisted of a large family of siblings and the spouses that made the unfortunate choice to be a part of this severely dysfunctional family. This might not have been an issue. However, under each arm was a case of beer and in the other hand a bottle of whiskey.

I hope you are sitting down because this is about to get good. Three hours elapse and the cards came out of the drawer and the nickels, dimes and quarters come out of the pockets. The levels of the bottles are more half-empty than half-full, but the beer is still holding out. A few of the the party have made several sneaky trips out the back door. Overestimating their stealth skills, they have complete deluded themselves that their little secret would go undetected despite the noxious fumes that omit from their clothes and breath. The cards are dealt.

Despite the low stakes, this was not a friendly little poker game. No, this was not a game at all. It was a war of pride. The first few hands pass without incident. But things grow more intense as each person reached their limit and sulked away from the table. Of the original eight players, only four were remaining, three brothers and one ridiculously drunk brother-in-law. Not only was he obnoxiously loaded, he also happened to be the big winner to this point. Worse still, he was completely oblivious to the smoldering resentment brewing between the remaining brothers. He continued to crack jokes without even being aware he was the only one laughing. Hell, he was the only one smiling.

The game marched on. The alcohol finally took its toll on drunk brother-in-law. Unable to focus his eyes on the cards, the brothers relieved him of his money rather quickly. Standing up unsteadily, he stumbled into the living room, tripped over a coffee table and passed out before hitting the floor - amateur. No one every told him that WASPs shouldn't try to out drink those of Irish heritage. I can't believe my sister married such a light-weight. Oh well, that's her burden to bear.

Now there were just three of us. A few hands passed without incident, then it happened - the hand. We were playing seven-card stud, nothing wild. I looked down and see that I had two aces in the hole, with a three showing. I'm looking at my two brothers. One is showing a ten, the other a king. I was looking good. I figured, I would bet slow and then pull them into my trap, assuming the cards kept coming. But my brothers took me by surprise. They were betting their asses off. I went for the ride, letting them push the stakes. On my sixth card, I get my full house. They were both showing three of a kind.

The heavy betting continued. I started to get nervous. Am I beat? Does one of those fuckers have four-of-a-kind? No way. Not in a game with no wild cards. These two dumb poor fuckers both have full houses and I got the aces. A small smile must have crossed my face as I bet my last dollar.

"What the fuck you smiling about, pair of threes?" My oldest brother said.

"Just gotta fart." I replied as I let loose with a potent round of anal artillery.

"Jesus Christ! You're ass stinks." My middle brother said as he hit me in the arm.

And when I say hit, I mean savagely attacked with six lightning blows. But in my moment of elation, I didn't feel a thing. This was about to become my shining moment. As they matched my bet with their final cash, I almost betrayed myself by smiling again.

"Fart again and you're a dead man." My brother hissed.

Thank God for gas.

"Full-house." My middle brother said proudly. "Queens and eights."

"Son-of-a-bitch." My oldest brother screamed. "You cock-sucking, mother-fucking, son-of-a-bitch. Fuck, fuck, fuck."

The smile on my face could not have been bigger.

"What's that shit-eating grin?" My middle brother asked bitterly. "You gonna fart again or show me your cards?"

"Aces and treys, bro." I said smugly as I turned over my pocket aces to match my one ace showing right next to the pair of threes. "Aces and treys."

"Jesus-fucking-Christ." Middle brother says as he pushed his cards aggressively away. "I can't win-for-fucking-losing."

The angry stares bored in to me from both my older siblings.

"You pussies shouldn't play a man's game if you can't take losing." I said in a cocky tone.

Then it happened. As I reached out to gather my winnings, my middle brother landed a punch square on my button. The dining room erupted as all hell broke loose. Furniture was splintered, lamps and dishes smashed and it took the other three brothers, three sisters and Mom to break up the action. Dad slept through the whole thing which is a good thing or I might not be here typing this little anecdote.

What can I say, I won like sixty-five dollars.


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Sunday, August 13, 2006

So much material

Pelican Dock Days lived up to all the hype! It was a kick in the pants. In addition to just plain fun, it provided a goldmine of material for me to use in the future. Now I am not the type of person that is going to spill the beans right of the bat. No, I have to savor this and then write parables and see how long it takes the subject of the story to recognize themselves.

Cruel game, you ask? I don't think so and here is why. I write the stories with enough "fiction" thrown into the mix that people rarely ever recognize themselves. Remember, I told you a long time ago that every thing I write has some element of truth to it. Where do you think I come up with this weird crap? Do you think anyone can make up this stuff?

Don't get me wrong, most of the stories I write, such as the novels, are completely made up. You see the people I know in the character's idiosyncrasies. Such as, the way one of the girls twists her hair when she is nervous or the aggressive tone a guy takes when put on the defensive or (and one of my absolute favorites) a guy that buys scratch lottery tickets, has the convenience store clerk scan the bar code to see if they are winners and if they are, he keeps them. Then he gives the losers away as christmas presents.

So there you have it. That's how I merge real life into my fiction. Don't get paranoid, I not revealing anything new. As humans, we have this idea that we are masking our idiosyncrasies from each other. The irony is the masks are the idiosyncrasies.


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Friday, August 11, 2006

Pelican Dock Days

The weekend is finally here and I am ready for it. Tomorrow is Pelican Dock Days. What's Pelican Dock Days? Funny you should ask. I know you are dying to know, but I don't think I want to tell you. That's right, I put it out there and now I am changing my mind. Don't you just hate that?

So why am I dangling this little story in front of you and then pulling it back as if I was dangling a piece of string in front of a cat? Because I am in a fiesty kind of mood, that's why. I'm mean as hell and itching for a fight. Bring it on. Come on, I dare ya. What's the matter? You afraid?

Seriously, don't you ever have days when you feel like that? Maybe you don't even notice it. You suddenly just find yourself either picking a fight with a family member or you are already fighting and you have no idea why. Oh, you have no clue what I am talking about? Okay then, nevermind.

Plese excuse the interuption, we now return you to the regularly scheduled blog. Pelican Dock Days is the height of every summer on the lake. My in-laws have two docks. The Buddha dock, where I park my boat and the Pelican Dock. Are you starting to see where I am going with this.

Anyway, every summer since 1994 they have had the best party on the lake. This year it'll be the normal cast of characters in addition to a few new ones. But this year they are having a band. All the makings for a landmark event. If you think I am going to blog about it, you're nuts. Hey, what happens at Pelican Dock Days ... actually, no one ever remembers at Pelican Dock Days.

Except me that is, I am am not going to ruin one of my best sources of income. Unless, of course, one of those cheap bastards refuses to pay. In that case, you'll hear all about it.


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Thursday, August 10, 2006

Coincidence

It is purely coincidence that I am posting a new chapter the very same day that Pam chasitized me for procrastinating. No really. Come on, would I lie to you? Don't answer that. It's a rhetorical question.

Anyway, sit back and enjoy Chapter 42. We're getting close to the end. Soon, I pull back from posting chapters so that I can start the re-write. But don't pout, I will post the revsions here so you can experience the full story before I publish it.


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The Break - Chapter 42

Chapter 42

When Ian awoke, the room was completely dark. When he attempted to lift his hands to rub his eyes, he found that he was unable to raise his arms. Hearing the clanking of the chains, he realized that he was in manacles. For a moment he struggled against the chains. Soon he realized it was futile to struggle and he slumped into the chair defeated. This was a familiar feeling and he didn’t like it, not one bit. His mind flashed back to when he was taken by the Russians. They situation was remarkably similar. A feeling of absolute dread overtook him and he began to weep.

Suddenly, the lights came on illuminating the breakfast room. Since his back was to the door, he could not see who was there. But his sensed that it was a group of people. Forcing himself to regain his composure, he stopped crying. He only wished he could wipe the tears from his eyes before being confronted by his captors.

The group stood in silence behind Gegger for what seemed to be a very long time. He knew what they were doing. They were purposefully building his level of anxiety. Of course, it was working. There is no way some one could be in Ian’s position and not become more and more nervous. Were they going to stand there? Would he feel the cold steel of a glock pressed against his temple? Would he feel a bullet rip through his skin? A thousand other possibilities ran through his head.

“Just do it.” He screamed out in a very harsh tone. “Whatever it is, just do it and get it over with.”

The group did not move. Nothing happened. Ian could hear the ticking of a clock. It was torturous. Finally, he heard some movement. There were so many footsteps that he couldn’t determine how many people were behind him. He guessed that there were about fifteen of them. Actually, there were eleven, Big Ron, Anita, Elena and the eight agents. One by one, they walked to the other side of the room where Ian could see them and silently took seats. The last two to enter were the two agents he thought he had dispensed in the clearing earlier today.

When he saw them, every muscle in his body tensed up. He knew he killed them. What disturbed him the most was the man he had shot in the face at close range. How can he not be dead? Where was the wound? The questions multiplied in a geometric fashion and soon his head was swimming with possible scenarios. He was completely befuddled and he knew it. Worse yet, he knew they knew it.

Agent Carter stood up and picked up his chair. He walked slowly towards Ian and placed it four feet in front on him. He sat down directly facing Ian.

“So, Gegger.” Carter said. “Finally, we meet.”

“Who the hell are you?” Ian asked.

“I am Agent Carter.” He replied. “You are quite elusive, Gegger. But very predictable.”

“My ass.” Gegger spat.

“Really?” Carter asked. “How do you explain your current situation?”

Ian looked around the room and saw all the faces looking at him. Locking in on the man he shot in the face, Ian stared hard. It was as if he thought that if he stared at the man long enough, he would be able to figure out what happened.

“I see you have a particular interest in Agent Ryder.” Carter said to Ian.

Turning to Ryder, he could see the smile forming on his agent’s face. At that moment, Carter decided he was going to allow his man to tell Gegger they had tricked him. Carter had been with the agency for seventeen years. During that time, he had had a variety of assignments. Although he was professional satisfied with the results of most of the missions, he had never felt such a personal degree of satisfaction than he did right now. He wasn’t just satisfied, he was elated. This man, Gegger, was one of the worst human beings he had ever seen. It was hard not to gloat, so Carter decided not to fight the urge.

“Ryder.” He said. “Would you like to let this scumbag in on our little secret?”

Carter smiled at Ian as he saw him bristle at the insult. The smile enraged Ian. His face flushed as he felt the hair on the back of his neck stood on edge.

“You’re lucky I have these manacles on.” Ian said viciously as he engaged in a stare down with Carter. But it was Ian that blinked first.

“Not lucky.” Ryder interjected. “Just good, old man.”

It was the second time this youngster had called him an old man, the first time Ian had killed him. But somehow the kid was back from the dead to taunt him. Ian began to wonder if he was hallucinating.

“And no you are not hallucinating.” The younger man continued. “You see, since you have been out of circulation the agency has changed quite a bit. We borrowed from Hollywood special effects to trick people into seeing exactly what the want to see. The weapons my partner and I were carrying had bullets that appear to be real. However, they shoot clay projectiles that form in the shape of entry wounds.”

“What the …” Ian started.

“But if you weren’t so predictable.” Carter interrupted. “None of this would have been possible.”

“How do you know anything about me?” Ian asked.

” I have been tracking you since you left Afghanistan.” Carter informed him.

“You what?” Ian responded completely shocked.

“We’ve been aware of everything you have been doing since then, you sick fuck.” Carter hissed. “Then Mr. Harrison here provided us with an opportunity to take you.”

“What?” Big Ron interjected. “You knew about Schneider and the bombing all along.”

“Well, yes.” Carter responded truthfully.

“And you let it happen?” Ron asked indignantly.

Carter paused for a moment, then decided to proceed.

“As I told you earlier, my partner and I decided that we would let you in on this.” Carter stated. “But you must know that anything we say in this room cannot leave this room. If anything leaks, the three of you will find yourselves in a situation where you wish you had kept your mouths shut.”

“Is that a threat?” Anita asked.

“Absolutely.” Carter answered. “There are certain people that will gain a distinct political advantage now that a terrorist attack by a Chechnyan rebel on American soil. Trust me, they are not to be trifled with.”

“So, you expect me to sit on the most explosive story since 9/11.” Anita asked indignantly.

“I’m not asking.” Carter responded. “Look, I didn’t have to tell you anything. We could have allowed Gegger to come in here and clean house and then taken him. But we didn’t. Now, we are sharing information freely. If you attempt to report this, you will be discredited even more than you are now and Mr. Harrison will spend the rest of his life in jail. Additionally, it won’t be too hard to get a conviction against an accomplice like you Elena.”

“Huh?” Elena gasped.

“Exactly.” Carter said. “You’ll never see it coming, but it will all happen if any of you talk. Get it.”

Carter let his words sink in and they did. It only took a few moments for all of them to come to the same conculsion.

“On the other hand.” Carter continued. “If you all cooperate, then suddenly the you worlds may become a very different place. The networks are always looking for new talent, real estate deals are all about timing, husbands can be convinced to come home. Right?”

Once again, they all understood what he was saying and nodded their heads in agreement.

“What about me?” Ian asked. “I suppose you are just going to kill me.”

“Oh no.” Carter replied. “We have something particular distasteful in store for you Gegger. As a sign of cooperation in the Global War on the United States government is going to be very happy to return you to Russia where you will answer for your war crimes committed against the Russian people in Chechya.”

“No.” Ian whimpered. “You can’t send me back there.”

“We most certainly can and will.” Ian responded. “Major.”

With that statement, the door opened an three men walked into the room.

“You!” Ian said when he saw the man.

“That’s right.” The major responded with a heavy Russian accent. “We meet again. This time you will not receive such gentle treatment in my facility. You have cost me several promotions. I plan on avenging that in gratitude. Men.”

With that the other to men lifted Ian to his feet and dragged him through the door.

“You will be hearing a great deal about Mr. Abdul al Rahim in the coming weeks.” Carter told the group. “But I guarantee, you will never hear of Ian Gegger again.”

Big Ron had heard enough. He had been used by both Ian and the U.S. government and it didn’t sit well with him.

“So, that’s it?” Big Ron asked harshly. “You come into my house, tell me how you used me. Then you have the balls to tell me I can’t say anything. What about all the people that died?”

“Yes, that is unfortunate.” Carter responded. “Life sucks. But it could be much worse. We could decide not to clear your name. Miss Sanchez becomes the next Blair Anthony.” Look, I’m not happy with this either, but I am realistic about it. We are in a war and we will do things to gain an advantage.”

“Including allowing innocent civilians to die?” Anita asked brusquely.

“None of us are really innocent.” Carter countered. “But yes, if it serves a larger purpose.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since Schneider was so pressed for time, he dropped the crew off at the Westin. With the help of the bellman, he unloaded all the personal items very quickly. Within fifteen minutes, he was on his way to the Pepsi Center.

Randy and Big Ron went to the front desk to get the room assignments and keys. Ronnie and Annie wandered around the lobby. Ass, Ben and Emily played tag on the escalators to many disapproving looks. Pete fell into a comfortable black leather chair. Almost in the same motion, Chelsea sat down and began kissing him softly on the lips.

Just as Randy finished registering, Ronnie and Annie returned. Seeing Randy give Ronnie a room key, Ass called a halt to the game of tag and walked over to get his key. Ben and Emily followed.

“Get a room.” Ronnie called over to Chelsea and Pete.

Initially startled, Pete recovered quickly.

“Okay.” Pete replied. Then he turned to Chelsea and said, “You wanna come up to my room, baby?”

“Ooooh yeah.” Chelsea purred and kiss him suggestively.

“Jesus, you two.” Ronnie complained. “Ever get enough?”

The pair looked at each other and shook their heads.

“Whatever.” Ronnie continued. “Anyone else wanna check out the Lodo?”

“Well, were … uh …” Pete started.

“We all know what you two are going to do.” Emily said snidely. “But we’re up for anything, right boys.”

The spokesman for their group had made a decision, so Ass and Ben just nodded their heads in agreement.

“Dad?” Ronnie asked.

“Think I am going to take a shower and then swing by my office.” Big Ron responded. “Seems like months since I have checked in.”

“Maybe because you haven’t.” Ronnie jested.

“True.” Big Ron responded. “You kids have fun. I’ll see you after the show tonight.”

Big Ron made his way to the elevator as the other’s continued chatting in the lobby.
The rest of the crowd walked across the parking lot towards downtown Denver.

“Feels good to be back home.” Pete said.

“No doubt.” Ass added.

“Wow, this is so cool.” Emily said excitedly. “Look at those mountains.”

“Yeah, I really missed that view.” Ronnie stated sincerely. “I mean the Northwest is really cool with all the water and stuff. But that view and the sunshine.”

“Dude, let’s go to the ESPN Zone.” Ben suggested.

“Right on.” Ass agreed.

Ronnie looked at Annie and received the signal.

“We’ll go in for a bit.” He explained. “But we don’t wanna hang out long. We wanna go get pizza at the Supper Club.”

“Mmmmm.” Emily interjected. “Pizza sounds good.”

Looking a little hurt, Ben acquiesced.

“All right, I’ll go for pizza, but then I am coming back here.”

He pointed at the building as they walked passed. As they walked in silence, Ben felt his irritation slipping away. It was simply too beautiful. The sun was burning up the bright blue sky. Although it was still early, the autumn morning was warming up quickly. The crispness of the air and the sunshine of the Mile High City were having a calming affect. For the first time in months, Ben felt he was home again. He was about to tell his friends, but he decided against it.

“Hey fag.” Emily said to Ben in a jovial voice. “Whatca thinking ‘bout?”

“Nuttin’.” Ben responded solemnly.

“Is that like ‘nothing’”? Emily teased. “Or you thinking bout having a nut sack in your mouth?”

Ass, Ronnie and Annie burst out laughing. As hard as he tried, Ben could not help but to join in with them.

“Damn, bitch.” Ass managed. “Dat’s jus’ col., ya know?”

“Well, it was probably your nutsack he was thinking about.” Emily returned the volley.

Once again, the group burst into raucous laughter.

“That’s cool with me.” Ass countered. “I bet it’s easier for him to fit my nutsack in his mouth than one of you nipples.”

“Can we quit talking about me having a nutsack in my mouth?” Ben said urgently.

“Why, is it making you uncomfortable?’ Ass teased.

“No, it’s making me horny.” Ben barely managed to get out before cracking up himself.

When the laugher subsided, Emily was the first to talk.

“My nipples are that big.” She said very loudly in a defensive tone. “My tits are big and my nipples are perfect.”

“Hey, big tits.” A man in his mid-twenties yelled from across the street. “Why do you let me be the judge of that?”

Emily turned to see the man. He was standing across the street with several other men about his age. They were laughing and congratulating their friend for his audacious statement. Emily rolled her eyes, reached down and grabbed the bottom of his sweatshirt and pulled it up over her head exposing her enormous breasts.

“Get a good look fellas.” She yelled.

Instantly, the men stopped laughing as their eyes fixed on Emily’s naked breast.

“Holy shit, dude.” The first man called out. “They are perfect.”

Upon hearing this, Emily lowered her shirt, turned and continued walking as if nothing had happened.

“Told you so.” Emily said triumphantly to her friends.

Although none of the group was really surprised by Emily’s action, they were shocked by what they had just witnessed. Considering how they met her, they all knew she was an exhibitionist. But none of them had ever seen her do something so brazen.

“Damn, sweet tits.” Ass finally said. “That was out of control.”

“How can you just do that?’ Annie asked genuinely curious. “I am still a little uncomfortable when guys look at me when I have a shirt on.”

“Girl.” Emily responded. “Guys have been staring at my tits since I was twelve. Every once and a while, I give ‘em a show, ya know. It cracks me up how they get all stupid and can’t talk. Men are so dopey.”

“Well, I have to admit.” Annie confessed. “I can understand why, if they are looking at yours. I couldn’t take my eyes of them. They are beautiful.

Suddenly, Emily felt very good. Annie’s words gave her a tingling in her crotch. She knew how amazing her breasts were. That kind of reaction always heated her up, especially from another woman.

“Screw the pizza, boys.” She said to Ass and Ben. “Let’s go back to the hotel.”

Ben looked at Ass and shrugged his shoulders.

“Hate to run out on you two, but we have some business.” Ass said.

Just as he turned, Ass saw the four men from the other side of the street standing in front of him.

“Hey, big tits.” The mouthy one said. “Show me some more.”

“Get fucked.” Emily said cheerful.

“Come on.” He insisted. “I’d love to rub my dick all over those beauties.”

Instantly, Ass began to survey the situation. Confident in his martial arts skills, he knew that the mouthy guy didn’t pose much of a threat. But two of the others might pose a bit of a challenge, unless Ronnie stepped up. That left one for Ben. Ass didn’t like the thought of that.

“Uncool, dude.” Ass said authoritatively. “Come on, all right.”

The mouthy measured up Ass. A look of disdain crossed his face. Ass had seen it many times before and it made him smile. He enjoyed the fact that everyone underestimated him.

“What are you going do about it, short-shit?” He asked in a threatening tone.

“Just leave us alone, okay.” Ronnie said in a conciliatory tone trying to diffuse the situation.

“Fuck off, bitch.” The mouthy one said as he turned back to Ass. “I’m gonna get another look at them titties now. Come on, give it up.”

Emily felt the fire burning inside her. Although she enjoyed the positive attention her breast brought, she detested it when men went too far. Ass felt the tension building and he readied himself. Taking a deep breath, he cleared his mind. His whole world became the four men blocking their path.

“Let’s see …” The mouthy one said as he reached for Emily.

Just as Ass was about to strike, Emily shot a flashing punch to the man’s nose. As he wailed in pain, Ass surveyed the other three men. Knowing that he had a few seconds before the mouthy one recovered, he slid to the side to give him a better angle at the man encroaching from the left. Ass saw the look in his eyes and knew he was going after Emily. He had no choice.

Ass heard a loud crack as his fist connected with the man’s sternum. Instantly, he knew this man was no longer a threat. Quickly, he spun to take the next man only to see that both Ronnie and Ben were already taking care of the other two. Turning to help Emily, he was amused to see that she didn’t need any. She was sitting on the mouthy one’s chest delivering blow after blow.

“See my tits?” She yelled over and over. “See my tits, you little bitch? I own you.”

Without hesitation, he grabbed Emily and dragged her down the street. He felt a smile of pride form over his face. Even in this situation, they acted as a team. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Ben, Ronnie and Annie following directly behind them.






<<< Chapter 41




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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Unbelievable

The most amazing thing happened to me today. It is so unbelievable, I am not sure if I can even write about it. Since I am an aspiring fiction writer, you may just think I am making it up. Forget about that for a minute because this is absolutely true.

This morning I had an early meeting which for me is the equivilent of a root canal. Waking up at an obnoxiously early time, I stumbled into the kitchen and brewed a pot of coffee. The sweet jolt of caffiene almost made up for the lack of sleep. After my second cup, I made my way to the bathroom to begin my morning routine.

Then it happened, I ran out of shaving cream. That's right. Just seven weeks after posting my critically acclaimed blog Shaving Cream, my can of Barbosol sputtered and died. There's another $.99 down the drain. I mean really, the can only lasted eight or nine months. That means my total shaving cream expenditure for 2006 is $1.98. It's a crime, I tell you.

Idea: Let's forget about pursuing the development of hydrogen vehicles. Let's work on a vechile that runs on shaving cream. It would solve all our problems with Mideast oil, corroded pipelines, high gas prices and global warming. Enough of this blogging crap, I have to get to the lab to get working on this. I'll let you know when the Nobel committee contacts me. I can hardly wait.


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Monday, August 07, 2006

This I Believe

Monday evenings on NPR they have a segment called "This I Believe". If you are not familiar with the segment, they invite people to write essays with the topic "This I Believe". The select certain ones to be read on the air. Most of the essays are from well-known people. But they do invite listeners to to submit their own essays. The one I heard tonight was from a listener and it was so good it inspired me to write my own.

Here you go.

This I believe. I believe I am the funniest person I have ever met. Whether I am having a conversation with friends, at work in a meeting, writing on my blog or taking a shower, I manage to crack myself up. At times, has proven to be very embarrassing. But most of the time, it keeps me happy and healthy. In my humble opinion, if you can’t find something to laugh at in any situation you aren’t trying hard enough. If you aren’t trying hard enough, you aren’t living.

Yeah, I said it. If you can’t laugh, you can’t live. Think about it. When do you feel the best? How do you show pleasure to other humans? Only when you are laughing and smiling.

Reach inside of yourself. Find your internal comedian. It’s easy. Think of all the absurdity in you bland, normal daily life. The comedy is there. The spilling of coffee on your white shirt, the accelerating from one green light only to hit the next light red, the little sheet of toilet paper stuck to your shoe that you notice a half hour after your last trip to the bathroom, the standing in front of a group of people with your fly down, these are all hilarious.

Enjoy them. Reveal in them. Turn all those embarrassing moments into little thoughts you can turn to when things seem to be bleak. If you practice laughing at these things, you will soon find yourself thinking about them and cracking yourself up. Soon you will begin to believe that you are the funniest person you have ever met.

One thing about humor, it’s contagious. Feel free to spread it around. If you do, you will soon find groups of people flocking to listen to your every word. Your pithy conversations will humor even the most cantankerous curmudgeon. Okay, maybe not. But humor is the best medicine for any ill. This I believe.


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Sunday, August 06, 2006

Dude, who stole my sitcom?

Before the big fall out, Cheesemo and I kicked around an idea for a sitcom. It was a great idea. The title was going to be "The Karaoke King". The premise was it would be located in a small, smoke filled bar. All the characters on the show would be the regular singers.

We got the idea when we were karaoke junkies. For a long time, we were really into it. We sang four nights a week at three different bars, entered the contests and deluded ourselves that we were actually good. One night while we were anxiously awaiting our turn to thrill the meager crowd with an amazing duet of "Wish You Were Here", the ridiculousness of all hit us like the sound of a drunken dishwasher trying to sing “Stairway to Heaven”. Not that all dishwasher sing off-key, but what are the chances that a budding Robert Plant is washing dishes in a karaoke bar?

As we began to analyze the whole karaoke scene by picking apart each person in all the bars we went to, we began to see some common threads. For instance, karaoke is a very cliquish scene. Groups of people huddled together talking smack about people in the other group. Here are a few of the interesting things we found.

Factoid 1: Everyone has a karaoke arch-nemesis. Don’t believe me? Try going to a karaoke bar and wait to hear someone sing a song you think you can sing. Then consult your catalog to find the song name, song number and artist. Scribble all the information on your little slip along with your name. Proceed to the stage when your name is called, usually in about an hour if you aren’t a regular singer at that particular venue. As soon as the song name appears on the screen, you will feel the angry eyes upon you. Belt out the song. You have just created your karaoke arch-nemesis.

Factoid 2: There is always a more than slightly drunk woman with way too much make up that truly believes she is the next Mariah Carrey. Not to be sexist, cause as you all know, I am not. There is a guy that has always thought of himself as the third Righteous Brother and will sing “Unchained Melody” twice badly, each time he is there.

Factoid 3: There is always a couple of extremely drunk interlopers that will have to sing “Sweet Home Alabama”, “Nevermind” or “Loveshack” as a group. Do yourself a favor. When they get up on stage, excuse yourself and head for the restroom or head outside for a breath of smoke-filled air – 25 feet away from the door of the establishment.

Factoid 4: There will be at least one or possible two people that can sing. It is so amazing when you hear someone you have never seen before sing a flawless rendition of “Nothing Compares to You” or “New York, New York”. There really are some excellent vocalists out there. They are usually very unassuming, shy people.

Anyway, we started pulling all these things together and we soon realized that “The Karaoke King” would be a great show. Just when we started pulling it together, some jerk comes out with “Duets” – what can I say? We were doing this a long time ago. As a movie, it was passable. But it did not catch the true feel of the karaoke sub-culture.

Who knows? Maybe Cheesemo and I can patch things up and use “The Karaoke King” as a twenty-first century version of “That 70’s Show”. In 2010, people will be screaming for it.


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Thursday, August 03, 2006

Moving Blues

The worst thing about moving from Evergreen, Colorado to Liberty Lake, Washington a few years back was leaving our friends behind. We had lived in Colorado for eighteen years and made several very good friends. I can vividly remember the day we returned from vacationing in the Inland Empire (the locally name for eastern Washington and Northern Idaho). That evening our friends invited us over for dinner. Since we hadn't seen them in almost two weeks we were all eager to get together.

We waited until after dinner, then I told them I found a new job. Imagine their surprise. I was supposed to be on vacation and I had landed a job in a very brief time. Then it was time for the bombshell. My job was in Spokane, WA. Dumbfounded, our friends sat and stared at us.

"But you live here." One of them said after a very long pause.

"Not for long. We are putting our house on the market and moving to Liberty Lake, Washington."

Blank stares.

"Yeah." I continued uncorfortably. "We already bought a house."

More blank stairs (no carpet on those babies).

Finally, one of them congratulated us and the others soon joined. It was very chatty for a few minutes, when I noticed my friend slink through the sliding glass door. After a few moments, I decided to follow him.

"What's up Brother Eyeball?" I asked.

"Rebel, I can't believe your leaving me here. What are we going to do?"

"Dude, you'll be fine." I encouraged. "You still have Cheesmo."

"That dickhead?" He responded.

I was a little worried for a moment, but then he said it.

"You kiss way better than he does."

We both cracked up. In that moment, we knew it was just one of life's transitions and it was a good move for the rebel family. He put his feelings of sorrow aside, gave me a hug and was very supportive throughout our whole moving process.

Why am I telling you this. Well, they Brother Eyeball and his family have been here all week. Hence the lack of postings on my part. Unfortunately, they are heading back to Colorado on Sunday. But we still have the whole weekend to spend at the lake. Time to head out and live life while we can.


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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Fireside Chat

There we were, sitting around the fire having one of those conversations you can only have with really good friends. When it dawned on me - I really like these people. These freaking retards that interupt my life every once in a while just to mess with me.

Save your pity for some one who needs it. I give back as good as I get, maybe a little better. They don't call me rebeleyeball cause a wilt at a little good-natured ribbing. It's funny how you sit with a circle of friends and all of a sudden it becomes your turn to be roasted over the fire. But good friends know when to stop before the heat rises too high. Boom rotate around to the next poor bastard.

It doesn't matter if we are just sitting around talking or playing spades. It's always the same. On many occasions, we have joked that if we put a video camera on us, we have the funniest television show ever. But we have never done it.

Then again, the things you find hilarious with friends are never as funny to other people. Don't believe me, try telling some one a story about a funny night you had. The blank stares are disquieting, to say the least. Do you self a favor, enjoy your friends and keep the stories for the inner circle.


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