Night at Comedy Works

Ever try to be funny? It's not as easy as it seems. Personally, I consider myself a fairly witty member of the species homo sapien. As I have told everyone I have ever talked to, I am the funniest person I have ever met. Immodest as it may sound, it happens to be true. I crack my self up. This skill is not always a blessing. At times, it had proven to be down right embarassing. For instance, I vividly remember in a meeting with my boss, my boss' boss and several self-important, Fortune 500 vice president types when I found my mind beging to wander which it is wont to do when I am so bored, I feel like shoving my pen in my ear just to break the monotony. Suddenly, I am struck by the thought of what the world would be like if instead of shaking hands when you met someone, you stuck your finger in their nose and wiggled it around. They, in turn, you shove their finger in your nose. Just as you seek to give the perfect hand shake - not to firm, not to weak - you would try to give the perfect nose wiggle. Now you may not find these thought very funny. I, on the other hand, find it hysterical. So, of course, I burst out laughing at a very inopportune moment. As you might have guessed, the entire room went completely silent and all eyes turned to me. "Would you mind telling the group what is so funny about missing deadlines?" One of the client vps asked. "Uh ... no." I replied candidly. "No, please enlighten us." She continued menancingly. "Nothing, really." I said with all the sincerity I could muster. "We at OOCC (Obnoxiously Overpaid Consulting Company) take our client commitments very seriously. I sincerely apologize for my unacceptable behavior. Please excuse me." [Blank stares] "Fine, back to the ... BLAH, BLAH, BLAHLA, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH ..." Jesus Christ get me out of this overblown bullsh*t! Back to the point. It's true that I find myself humorous and so do many people. I have a unique ability to provide light-hearted commentary in almost any conversation. Even at funerals which tends to draw just as many disapproving looks. Many years ago, I had the pleasure of working with a bartender that, at one point in his life, made a living as a standup comedian. In fact, while we were working together he was frequent called upon to MC at several of the local comedy clubs. He was quite possibly the second funniest person I have ever met. During our shifts we use to try to crack each other up. It was a kick. One day, we were discussing stand up comedians when I uttered the stupidest words that ever came out of my mouth. Trust me, that is saying alot. "Those guys are okay, but I am much funnier than them." I blustered. "Oh, yeah." He said some what defensively. "Tell me a joke you wrote." "Huh?" I replied somewhat stunned. "Come on, tell me a joke you wrote." He insisted. "Well ... I ... uh ... well, I've never actually written a joke." I bumbled. "But how tough can it be?" With that, he spun on his heal and walked behind the bar. Mystified as to how I could have insulted him so dearly as to make him walk away, I stood and watched in amazement as he picked up the phone and started dialing numbers. Standing there like a statue in wait of a pigeon, i tried to figure out what he was doing. "Okay, Tuesday then. Bye." He said into the receiver. Then he came back and said the most frightening thing I have ever heard in my life. "I got you to minutes at The Comedy Works on Tuesday night." "Huh?" I managed most articulately. "Let's see how easy you think it is when you have to come up with two minutes of your own stuff." Never known to back down from a challenge, I was stuck. I mean, there were witnesses and everything. How could I say no. For the next week, I worked my ass off trying to write two minutes worth of material. Do you have any idea how long two minutes is? If you really want to know, pick up a book and read out loud for two minutes. Go ahead, I'll wait. See, long time, huh? Finally, it was Tuesday. After spending approxiamately FORTY hours writing, rewriting, working on my delivery and rewriting, I was so nervous I was sweating like a priest in boys locker room. Seriously, my stomach was so knotted, I was farting like one of the bean-munching cowboys in "Blazing Saddles". And it was only nine o'clock in the morning. By showtime, I wanted to vomit. The only thing that kept me from doing it, was my stubborn pride. I was not going to back down and give him lifetime gloating rights. At the club, I was slated fifth. The first guy gets up and starts his two minute. He was greeted by crickets. For all you novices, that's dead silence. Mr. Number Two didn't fair much better. Then it was the bartenders turn. As a show of support, he volunteered to do five minutes. I think he did it just so I couldn't slink out the stage door. He KILLED! Which is comic parlance for everyone laughed at every joke. Did I ever tell you he's a very funny man. Then the fourth guy got up there. He was doing five minutes as well. He was so completely unfunny that after three minutes, he hung up his microphone and walked off stage. Welcome to amatuer night. It was time. The feeling I had when I heard the MC call my name really is indescribable. Choking back my fear, I bounded on to stage. Suddenly my mouth began began talking, while I stood there watching myself wondering where the words were originating. Then it hit me. The audience was laughing - hard. Talk about a rush. I finished my two minutes and ran off the stage like a kid headed to the playground for recess. In the wings, I was met by the bartender. He patted me on the back and congratuated me. It surprised me how happy he was for me. I thought he might be a little disappointed that I didn't bomb. I guess he made his point by introducing me to the process. After the show, the owner came over to talked to me. He said usually they make people do several two minutes shows, but he was willing to give me five minutes if I wanted to come back next week. Although flattered, I turned him down. Before all this happened, I could never have appreciated what comedians go through. The pressure to be funny on cue is immense and these folks are out there doing it every night. Constantly, working on new material and honing their existing stuff. Was I funny that night? Yes. Was I the funniest one to take the stage? Not even close. The bartender's stock bits where twice as funny as my "new" stuff. I respect that man and all other comedians emmensely. More stories from Paul Gavin. Info on novels Paul Gavin's Storefront. Technorati Tags: Fiction, Online Book, Chapter, Rebeleyeball, Paul Gavin IceRocket Tags: Fiction, Blook, Chapter, rebeleyeball