Unbelievable Story

Last night I decided to go out the bar for my semi-annual "Night of No Blogs". Of course, I chose to go to a karaoke bar. Actually, it was a Chinese restaurant that happened to have a karaoke machine which is very common in my part of the world. To tell the truth, that's usually where all the hot karaoke takes place in this town. Not being a regular at this particular venue, I was treated with the cold disdain that all first time singers experience when they walk up to the KJ and ask for a song book. The meaty cheeked, chain-smoking KJ looked me up and down with a sneer on her face as she reached for a book. Okay, so that was exactly the truth. She didn't have any cigarettes since smoking is not allowed in any public places in Washington - woohoo! Other than that, the prior description was accurate. Heading back to the table, I noticed the dagger like stares from the regulars. If you have never been a regular at a karaoke bar, then you may not understand the politics involved. Surprised? Trust me, I use to be a hardcore karaokist. Seriously - every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I would go one of the three establishments that I patronized. I much as I hate to admit it, On Saturday and Sunday, I was the singing bartender. That's right, I actually worked in a karaoke bar. Sometimes, we would go to a bar outside of our regular haunts on Mondays and Tuesdays. Like all other serious singers, I had my list of songs, my favorite echo settings and of course, my karaoke arch-nemesis. That's right, enter Cheesmo. You see there is definitely a strict protocol at karaoke. There are just some things you do and there are several things you absolutely do not do. Should you break any of these unwritten laws, watch out. Because all hell is about to break loose. For instance, when you take the stage to sing a song that you have never sung before, you must announce this fact at least four times while waiting for the music to start. Or when you are stink up the place, you have to shrug your shoulders and act as if you are tempted to just walk off stage. It's all an illusion though. I say this because in the thousands of hours I spent in the game, I have only known one person to actually step away from the mic and sit down - and that was me. Trust me when I say, you do not want to hear me sing "Hotel California". Don't get me wrong, I may not possess a wide vocal range but the songs that are in my sweet spot - get ready to dance. My songs include, but are not limited to some Credence Clearwater Revival, Grand Funk Railroad, Georgia Satellites, Lynyd Skynyrd and Barry Manilow. That's right, my version of "Mandy" is legendary. I start with a crooning voice that would make Barry spin in his grave. Just when the crowd is sure that I suck and they begin to return to their table conversations, I break out my natural, Henry Rollins voice and completely split their eardrums. The entire bar comes to a halt and by the end of the song, every in the place is standing up in a fever pitch. Then, for my next song, I hit 'em with "Little Red Corvette". This time everyone is waiting for Henry Rollins to break out at any minute, but it never does. And you want to know why? Because by some freak of nature there are two songs that I can sing better than anyone - "Little Red Corvette" and "Roxanne" - I swear - I sound exactly like Prince for the former and Sting for the later. It leaves people dumbfounded. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so last night I decide to kick it back up. I forgot to mention that my karaoke hay day was back in 1991 through 1994. Since then, I have actually participated approximately six times. A little rusty, maybe. But that's not why I am writing this blog. The reason I am writing, is that I saw one of the craziest things I have ever seen at karaoke last night. I've seen plenty. I've seen a girl with no bra continually lift her shirt up through a pathetic version of "Last Child". My opinion - no one should be allowed to sing that song at karaoke. Not even Steven Tyler. I've seen grown men cry at particular touching renditions of "Dixie Chicken". No idea why, because he had to leave before the song was over. I've seen a women hoisted onto a man's shoulders only to have her ponytail get wrapped into a ceiling fan. You busted me, I actually didn't see that one. Only reason was because she was on my shoulders - dead serious. Getting back to last night. There were two extremely drunk women that were dancing together for most of the evening. They continued getting more and more "friendly" as the evening worn on. Then I actually heard one woman say to the other, "I am not into women, but dammit bitch, you are turning me on." Right after that, the woman that so eloquently expressed her feelings was called up to sing. Her friend decided to join her on stage as her back up dancer. As the girl was dancing, she was lifting her legs in a Rockettes style movement. Suddenly, her pants began to visible darken in the area of her crotch. Soon, the singer turned to look the support she was getting from her dancer. Instantly, she noticed the problem and she said into the microphone, "Did you piss yourself." To which the other girl replied, "Yeah, so. You ever try it?". And that was it for me. Check, please. Damn, karaoke has changed. More stories from Paul Gavin. Info on novels Paul Gavin's Storefront. Technorati Tags: Fiction, Online Book, Chapter, rebeleyeball, Paul Gavin IceRocket Tags: Fiction, Blook, Chapter, rebeleyeball Copyright (c) 2006 Paul Gavin. All rights reserved.